1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,160 . 2 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:07,160 . 3 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:28,960 (THUNDERCLAP) 4 00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:37,640 Oh, you didn't go. 5 00:00:37,640 --> 00:00:39,800 I knew you wouldn't. 6 00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:42,960 No point spending money on another flight 7 00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:44,960 when we've only got a few days left. 8 00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:47,640 My flight has been cancelled. 9 00:00:47,640 --> 00:00:49,960 Has it? Why's that? 10 00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:52,320 (THUNDERCLAP) 11 00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:54,960 Why do you think? I don't know. 12 00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:58,640 Oh, it's not that volcano in Lapland, is it? 13 00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:00,960 You'd think this bit of rain would put it out. 14 00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:04,320 Bit of rain? It's just a shower. 15 00:01:04,320 --> 00:01:08,480 Me and your father had worse weather than this on holiday. 16 00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:11,960 Bridlington, 1958. 17 00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:15,960 Do you know, he got struck by lightning 18 00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:18,000 four times that week. 19 00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:21,960 I blame that metal plate in his head. 20 00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:26,960 Do you remember? Jeff used to stick fridge magnets on him 21 00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:28,960 when he were asleep. 22 00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:30,960 (CHUCKLES) 23 00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:33,960 Right. Shall we have some breakfast? 24 00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:47,960 (HUBBUB) 25 00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:51,160 Two pairs of carpet slippers completely ruined. 26 00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:53,960 Who brings carpet slippers on holiday? 27 00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:56,960 You're on holiday in Benidorm, not the Orient Express. 28 00:01:56,960 --> 00:02:00,960 I beg your pardon? And my £120 hairdryer is completely knackered. 29 00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:05,800 Yeah? Don't think we haven't heard about you running your illegal hair salon from your room. 30 00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:08,960 You're lucky we're not charging you business rates. Brilliant(!) 31 00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:12,000 Excuse me. Our apartment is totally flooded. 32 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:14,960 Yes, I know. We are all sitting in the same boat. 33 00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:17,480 But it's not a boat, that's my point. 34 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:21,960 We've got untold bits and bobs floating down the corridors. 35 00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:23,960 I'm worried about kiddies picking them up, 36 00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:28,960 because some of them are of, well, shall we say, a personal nature. 37 00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:32,480 I've been wading through water all morning. My plaster's gone soggy. 38 00:02:32,480 --> 00:02:35,960 I've got a caseful of clothes ruined. What are you going to do? 39 00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:38,960 One at a time. We'll get nowhere if everybody talks at once. 40 00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:42,320 We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die! 41 00:02:42,320 --> 00:02:46,480 It's a terrorist attack! We're all gonna die! 42 00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:50,320 That's a little excessive. (LIGHTNING CRACKLES) 43 00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:52,960 (GASPS OF SHOCK) MAN: You see? She's right. 44 00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:56,640 Oh, you think so? You've obviously not thought things through. 45 00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:59,960 A rainstorm, in Spain, in the middle of summer. 46 00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:02,000 It was 28 degrees yesterday. 47 00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:06,000 Oh, no, you just listen to me. There are dark forces at work. 48 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:09,960 By the end of today, this place will be a pile of rubble. 49 00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:12,960 It'll be like 7/11 all over again. 50 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:14,960 (LIGHTNING CRACKLES) 51 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:18,000 It's not a terrorist attack. It's a bloody thunderstorm. 52 00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:22,960 Oh, don't try and cover it up. I know all about conspiracy theories. 53 00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:25,960 I once met Mohamed Al Fayed in a lift. 54 00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:27,960 Can I have your attention, please? 55 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:30,960 Ladies and gentlemen, will you please calm down 56 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,960 for just one minute? (HUBBUB) 57 00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:34,960 Shut up! 58 00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:37,960 Thank you, Janey. Now, if you'd all like to make your way 59 00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:40,160 down to the Hawaiian function room, 60 00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:42,960 all complaints will be handled there. 61 00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:46,960 No weather-related complaints will be taken at reception. 62 00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:51,960 We also have some exclusive top-class entertainment 63 00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:54,640 planned for you this lunch time. 64 00:03:54,640 --> 00:03:57,480 Again, down in the Hawaiian function room. 65 00:03:57,480 --> 00:04:01,960 You what? There will also be speciality cocktails 66 00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:03,480 and star-prize bingo 67 00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:07,960 where the full-house prize will be a brand-new laptop. 68 00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:09,960 (MURMURS OF APPROVAL) You what?! 69 00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:12,960 So, if you'd just like to follow Mateo and myself, 70 00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:14,960 we'll get you all sorted. 71 00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:18,960 Cocktails. Who wants cocktails? It's half past ten in the morning. 72 00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:21,800 Not being funny, but would you speak for yourself? 73 00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:24,960 Come on, everybody, follow me. This way. 74 00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:27,960 Oh, yeah. And where's this laptop coming from? 75 00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:31,800 Not to mention the exclusive, top-class entertainment. 76 00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:34,960 Don't worry. Just leave it to me. I know what I'm doing. 77 00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:36,960 Yeah. Well, you'd better. 78 00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:40,960 Cor. Janey, what the hell have you done with this weather? 79 00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:42,960 It's the middle of August. 80 00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:46,960 Hello, Johnny. I didn't know you were in town. Well, you know me. 81 00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:48,960 Mwah. Mwah. 82 00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:51,000 Always like to keep a low profile. Yeah, right(!) 83 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:53,960 We're refurbishing a new place across town, 84 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,000 but there's no power because of the storm. Don't. 85 00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:58,960 We had to unplug all the mobility scooters. 86 00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:01,960 People are staggering round who haven't walked since the '80s. 87 00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:04,960 (GIGGLES) Got time for a coffee? Course I have. 88 00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:07,960 Excuse me. What's being done about all this flooding? 89 00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:10,960 I'm all for water features but not coming out of a lift. 90 00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:14,960 All complaints are being handled by our fully trained crisis team 91 00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:18,320 in the Hawaiian function room. Under the stairs, end of the corridor. 92 00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:20,960 It's not a crisis team you need, it's a bloody pump. 93 00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:22,960 Janice. 94 00:05:23,160 --> 00:05:25,960 Sorry, love, do I know you? 95 00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:28,960 Johnny Neptune. I mean, Nelson. 96 00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:30,960 Johnny Nelson. 97 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:32,960 Oh, my God. 98 00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:37,960 How are you? Bloody hell. 99 00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:41,960 You don't look any different. I mean, that is a lie. 100 00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:44,960 You look better, if...if that's possible. 101 00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:50,960 Are you all right, love? Sorry, love. 102 00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:54,800 Where did you say the pump was? I mean, the Hawaiian crisis team. 103 00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:57,960 I mean - Under the stairs, the end of the corridor. 104 00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:00,960 Under the stairs. End of the corridor. 105 00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:04,800 Why are you upset, Mam? Come on, let's go. 106 00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:06,960 Who's that? 107 00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:10,000 That is the only woman I've ever asked to marry me. 108 00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:13,960 And she said no. Christ. 109 00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:17,960 Talk about a lucky escape. Are we going to have that coffee, then? 110 00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:20,960 Do you mind if we grab it a bit later? 111 00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:24,960 Yeah, no problem. (PHONE RINGS) I'm not going anywhere today. 112 00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:27,640 HMS Titanic. Can I help you? 113 00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:33,960 (THUNDERCLAP) 114 00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:35,960 Yeah, I'll be with you in two minutes. 115 00:06:36,160 --> 00:06:38,320 Right, son, listen. Oi. 116 00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:42,480 All you've got to do is make a note of which rooms are flooded, 117 00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:44,960 write 'em down 118 00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:46,960 and then radio housekeeping. 119 00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:50,960 I'm off to pull in a favour, to get some entertainment on the go. 120 00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:54,960 Oh, Dad. Yes, son. Can you...tune it in for me? 121 00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:58,960 It doesn't need tuning in. But there's no display. 122 00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:01,960 How will I know which station is Radio Housekeeping? 123 00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:04,960 No, son. You press this button here, 124 00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:06,960 it goes straight through to housekeeping 125 00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,960 and you tell them which rooms are flooded. OK? 126 00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:11,960 Oh, yeah. Cool. 127 00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:15,480 I'm going to text my mates. I've never been on the radio before. 128 00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:23,000 424. 129 00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:27,960 Where's my nana? I don't know, son. 130 00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:32,160 Where's my dad? You know where he is. He went looking for more towels. 131 00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:38,960 What? I said he went looking for towels. 132 00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:44,320 Thanks for telling me about the Hawaiian bunker(!) 133 00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:46,960 Where's Madge Bin Laden? I don't know. 134 00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:50,960 Are you all right? You look like you've seen a ghost. 135 00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:55,960 I'm fine. Can you get in that queue and tell them about the apartment? 136 00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:58,960 (SIGHS) OK. 137 00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:00,960 Are you sure you're all right? Yeah. 138 00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:03,960 I just need a bit of fresh air. 139 00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:07,960 Michael, save this table and get another chair for your nana. 140 00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:09,960 Michael! All right. 141 00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:12,960 Don't forget your brolly. 142 00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:18,000 Here you are, you sit there. 143 00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:20,960 Gavin'll let them know about our apartments. 144 00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:24,960 No point in all of us queuing up. You're a good lad. 145 00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:27,960 Now, how are you feeling? Gavin's been dead worried about you 146 00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:31,960 since you had your accident in the pool. Well...yes. 147 00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:34,960 There have been developments. 148 00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:37,960 But both Donald and I have agreed 149 00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:40,800 we don't want to talk about them with other people. 150 00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:43,960 No, course you don't. We're all on holiday. 151 00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:47,960 You don't want to bring people down with stories of hospitals and illnesses. 152 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:49,960 I've got three months to live. 153 00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:54,960 Well, that didn't take long. 154 00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:57,960 I wonder what entertainment they've got lined up. 155 00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:03,960 Oh, come on, cheer up. It's only a bit of rain. 156 00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:06,960 We could all be dead this time next week. 157 00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:08,960 Some more likely than others. 158 00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:10,640 I'm sorry? 159 00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:17,960 . 160 00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:20,960 . 161 00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:27,960 Hiya. Hiya. 162 00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:29,960 Can I have one of these chairs? 163 00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:31,960 Yeah. Thanks. 164 00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:34,960 Er, my name's Michael. 165 00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:38,320 What's your name? Paige. 166 00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:39,960 Paige? 167 00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:41,960 Like in a book? Yeah. 168 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:46,960 OK. Bye. 169 00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:49,800 Bye. 170 00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:57,960 Have you got a spare one of those? Sorry, sweetheart, it's my last one. 171 00:09:57,960 --> 00:09:59,960 No worries. 172 00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:05,800 Here you go. 173 00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:07,800 Jesus. You scared me. 174 00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:11,960 I'm all right. You just said you wanted one. 175 00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:13,960 I'm fine, thank you. 176 00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:19,960 You grew up. Course I grew up. 177 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:21,960 What a...stupid thing to say. 178 00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:31,960 How are you, Janice? 179 00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:33,960 Great. Really good, thanks. 180 00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:37,960 On holiday with my family. My husband and my family. 181 00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:39,960 Listen, am I upsetting you? 182 00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:42,960 No, you're not upsetting me. I... 183 00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:48,640 Johnny, the last time I saw you I was a girl. 184 00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:50,800 A 17-year-old girl. 185 00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:55,640 You know...it's just weird seeing you after all this time. 186 00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:58,960 All of a sudden I'm back there. It's 198... 187 00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:00,960 4. 1984. 188 00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:04,960 And - It's the end of the summer and I ask you to marry me and you say no. 189 00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:07,960 And you break my heart. 190 00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:11,960 We've both had long enough to get over it. 191 00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:15,320 Well, I'd better get off, back to work. 192 00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:17,960 I'm back to the UK tomorrow. 193 00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:21,960 How's your mum? 194 00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:24,960 What a strange thing to ask. You never met her. 195 00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:26,960 I know, but I knew all about her. 196 00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:29,480 Which is probably why I never met her. 197 00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:34,640 My mother's in her 70s. 198 00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:37,960 I just want her to come home, but she's determined to stay out here. 199 00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:40,960 She says she wants to run another business out here. 200 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:44,000 She said, 'That Bruce Forsyth is still working. He's in his 90s.' 201 00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:47,960 I told her, 'No, he can't be. He's still got all his own hair.' 202 00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:52,640 Sorry, I'm waffling. 203 00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:56,960 Why did you say no, Janice? Cos I'm sure he's nowhere near 90. 204 00:11:57,960 --> 00:11:59,960 We saw him on the telly the other week. 205 00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:02,960 He sang Mr Bojangles and did the splits at the end. 206 00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:06,320 Why did you say no when I asked you to marry me? 207 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:11,960 What? You think if I'd said yes we'd still be living happily ever after? 208 00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:16,960 I went to the cinema on my own. You what? 209 00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:19,960 The last time we were supposed to meet, when you didn't turn up. 210 00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:22,960 Against All Odds. 211 00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:26,800 Quite apt, really. 212 00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:31,000 Johnny - MAN: Mind your backs now. 213 00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:40,960 You were going to say something. 214 00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:45,960 Take care of yourself. 215 00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:50,640 Yeah. 216 00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:03,160 This is just about the worst holiday I've ever had. 217 00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:06,960 I mean, it's been crap up until now but at least the sun was shining. 218 00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:10,000 How's your leg? Oh, I'm not sure, let me check. 219 00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:12,960 Oh, yeah, still broken. 220 00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:14,960 I was only asking. 221 00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:18,320 Hola. Hurricane cocktails for very thirsty people. 222 00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:20,960 Hey, are you all right? 223 00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:22,960 I'm fine. 224 00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:25,960 But you are OK? Yeah, I'm fine, thank you. 225 00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:30,960 Am I supposed to know what all this means? (GULPS) 226 00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:34,000 That's vile. I'm going to get a coffee. 227 00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:36,160 Do you want one? Yeah, thanks. 228 00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:42,960 I was saying don't mention about last night. 229 00:13:43,160 --> 00:13:47,000 Last night? In the shower cubicle next to t'pool. 230 00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:51,480 What are you talking about? We were both really drunk, it was dark. 231 00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:53,960 I ripped your vest. 232 00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:56,960 Look, all I'm saying is don't tell Nat we had sex 233 00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:58,960 cos she still has feelings for you. 234 00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:02,480 Natalie still has feelings for me? Well, I think so. 235 00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:05,960 Which is why it makes this just a little bit awkward. 236 00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:08,160 OK. Thank you for telling me. 237 00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:14,960 Oh, by the way, 238 00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:16,960 I did not have sex last night. 239 00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:20,800 And certainly not in the shower cubicle by the pool. Mm-mm. 240 00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:36,960 There you go. 241 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:43,000 Are you all right? I think I'm going to be sick. 242 00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:46,640 (THUNDERCLAP) 243 00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:50,000 Dad, what's going on? This is Spain. When's it going to stop? 244 00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:52,960 I've never seen owt like it. I'm no Michael Fish, 245 00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:56,960 but even I know it shouldn't be hot one day and pissing buckets the next. 246 00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:59,480 I've told you. It's a conspiracy. 247 00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:02,960 What's that mean? 248 00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:05,960 It means it's not long before the men in white coats arrive 249 00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:08,320 and put your nana in a yellow van with square wheels. 250 00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:11,000 Special hurricane cocktails. 251 00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:16,960 And one there. There's someone sitting there, as well. 252 00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:20,960 I don't want one. I'm not drinking today. 253 00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:24,960 You're all right, leave it there. She might have it later. I won't. 254 00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:26,960 I've said I'm not drinking today. 255 00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:28,960 Put it down! 256 00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:31,960 She might change her mind. No, I won't. 257 00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:34,960 Dad, they're free. 258 00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:37,960 If you want another one, you can just go and get one. 259 00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:40,960 MAN: Testing - one, two, one, two. 260 00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:43,960 Ugh, that is vile. 261 00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:45,960 So you don't want this one? 262 00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:50,960 No, you're all right. Leave it there. 263 00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:53,960 Well, they're free, aren't they? 264 00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:55,960 Hiya. Are we all all right? 265 00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:58,480 Yeah. Where have you been? 266 00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:01,960 To the loo, is that all right? As long as you don't let it happen again. 267 00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:05,480 What's that you're drinking? Cocktails. 268 00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:10,640 Bloody hell, that's rough. 269 00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:12,960 Michael, go and get us a cup of tea. 270 00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:16,000 Mam, do you want anything? Oh, yeah, lovely. A cup of tea. 271 00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:18,480 Get me and your nana a cup of tea. Mick? 272 00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:21,960 Aye, go on. Tea, two sugars. I'll have it as a chaser after my cocktail. 273 00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:24,960 Three cups of tea, Michael. Put a brandy in mine. 274 00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:28,480 I thought you weren't drinking. It doesn't count in tea. 275 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:31,960 I'll remind you of that when you're singing after your ninth cup of tea. 276 00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:35,960 277 00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:39,960 Are you all right? Yeah. 278 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,960 279 00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:47,960 280 00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:52,960 281 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:56,960 282 00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:02,960 283 00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:06,960 284 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,160 285 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:12,960 286 00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:17,320 Not a bad voice. 287 00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:21,960 She's got a look of that barman you see every now and again. 288 00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:24,640 You know, the little bald fella? 289 00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:27,960 Same lived-in face. 290 00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:30,320 They might be related. 291 00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:33,960 Is this honestly - honestly - your idea of a good time? 292 00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:35,960 Course it is. 293 00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:38,960 Rain belting down outside. 294 00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:43,960 Everybody pulling together, making their own entertainment. 295 00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:46,960 Look, you've got dominoes on the go. 296 00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:50,960 I daresay someone might get up and do a bit of karaoke. 297 00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:55,640 It's got a lovely wartime feel about it. 298 00:17:56,960 --> 00:18:00,960 Anyway, we're the lucky ones. Some people are being flooded out. 299 00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:03,640 Two beautiful cocktails for two beautiful women. 300 00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:05,960 Not for us, thank you, darling. 301 00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:07,960 Three. Oh, these are special cocktails. 302 00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:09,960 Only one per - Three. Here. 303 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:15,960 304 00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:21,960 305 00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:25,480 No, Pauline. 306 00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:27,640 No. 307 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:29,960 You've done so well. 308 00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:32,960 Now listen to me. Listen to me. 309 00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:34,960 What did Dr Noble say? 310 00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:38,000 One more drink and that liver of yours 311 00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:40,960 will burst like an overfilled icing bag. 312 00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:49,480 I'm 42. 313 00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:50,960 Single. 314 00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:52,960 Twice divorced. 315 00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:55,960 Financially and morally bankrupt. 316 00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:57,960 On holiday with my mother in Benidorm 317 00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:01,480 in the driving, pissing rain. 318 00:19:01,480 --> 00:19:04,960 I have one rabid cat which cannot be released from Customs, 319 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:07,960 and I am absolutely caked in thrush. 320 00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:13,000 And you tell me I don't deserve a drink? Come on, Pauline. 321 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:15,960 Think about what you're doing. 322 00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:21,960 Remember when you met Roy Castle, when you were 12, 323 00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:24,960 and he asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up? 324 00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:27,960 And you said a rodeo clown. 325 00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:30,960 Remember what he said to you? 326 00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:34,960 You can be anything you want to be. 327 00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:37,960 You don't want to be this. 328 00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:40,960 For the love of Roy... 329 00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:45,960 ..put the drink...down. 330 00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:49,960 331 00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:51,960 332 00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:53,960 333 00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:58,320 334 00:19:58,320 --> 00:20:01,960 335 00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:05,800 336 00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:11,800 337 00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:18,800 338 00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:22,160 339 00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:26,800 (DEEP VOICE) 340 00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:28,960 341 00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:36,960 342 00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:42,960 you can... 343 00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:44,960 (GULPS AND GASPS) 344 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:47,960 Oh, Pauline. 345 00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:51,960 What are we going to do with you? 346 00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:54,960 347 00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:56,960 (SPORADIC APPLAUSE) 348 00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:08,960 Three teas, please, and my nana said can you whack a brandy in hers. 349 00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:13,960 Wait your turn. Ssh. 350 00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:20,800 I saw you earlier on. 351 00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:22,960 Did you? Yes. 352 00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:25,320 You were making eyes at that girly. 353 00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:31,800 She's through there, isn't she? I don't think she...erm... 354 00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:34,960 Don't think she what? Come on, spit it out. 355 00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:37,960 I don't think she likes me. Oh, bollocks. 356 00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:41,960 You want a beer? Erm... 357 00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:44,960 Two pints of your strongest lager. And one for the boy, as well. 358 00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:49,960 Sorry. Excuse me. 359 00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:53,960 No? 360 00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:56,480 Let me give you some advice, sonny. 361 00:21:56,480 --> 00:21:59,960 What you have to do is just go in there... 362 00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:01,960 and lay your cards on the table. 363 00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:04,960 None of this playing hard to get and being cool. 364 00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:06,960 A woman likes to know where she stands. 365 00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:09,320 Flattery, that's what you need. 366 00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:14,480 That's being nice to someone, in't it? Mm! 367 00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:15,960 Mmm! 368 00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:17,960 Don't be nice. 369 00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:19,960 Nice doesn't come anywhere close. 370 00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:21,960 You're dealing with a woman here. 371 00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:26,000 You've got to make her feel as though 372 00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:28,160 she's the most beautiful creature 373 00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:30,320 that ever drew breath. 374 00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:33,960 Tell her. 375 00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:35,960 We like to be treated like ladies. 376 00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:38,960 Made to feel special. 377 00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:41,960 Human. 378 00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:57,960 Try it. You'll be surprised at the results. 379 00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:01,320 What the bloody hell's going on here? 380 00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:05,960 You look real nice today, Mam. Oh, Jesus. 381 00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:07,960 Is he pissed? (It wasn't me. Her.) 382 00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:10,960 Come on. 383 00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:13,960 Michael. 384 00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:17,960 Keep 'em coming, Jose. 385 00:23:23,480 --> 00:23:25,640 . 386 00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:28,800 . 387 00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:31,960 (THUNDERCLAP) 388 00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:35,960 you never was my girl 389 00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:38,960 when I'm gone 390 00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:43,320 just what a fool I've been 391 00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:46,960 on the phone... 392 00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:50,960 You have three months to live? 393 00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:54,160 I'm sorry, I can't quite get my head around this. 394 00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:56,960 Well, I don't want to go too much into detail. 395 00:23:56,960 --> 00:24:01,960 Of course not. But, yes, it's an hereditary problem that runs in the family. 396 00:24:01,960 --> 00:24:03,960 My father died when he was 51. 397 00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:06,960 I'm not far off that myself. 398 00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:08,960 Well, yes, none of us are getting any... 399 00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:13,320 ..younger. It's going to be a difficult time ahead. 400 00:24:13,320 --> 00:24:16,960 Somehow Jacqueline seems to be coping so far. 401 00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:19,960 (WHOOPING) Yoo-hoo! 402 00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:21,960 Yes, I can see that. 403 00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:24,960 You know, when Sammy Davis Jr 404 00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:27,000 was told he only had a few months to live 405 00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:30,960 he said, 'I must have packed several lifetimes 406 00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:32,960 into the last 60 years.' 407 00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:36,480 I feel very much the same. Except you're still in your late 40s. 408 00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:41,160 It's interesting. Sammy Davis and I seem to have led parallel lives. 409 00:24:41,160 --> 00:24:43,960 Yes, to look at you, you could have been brothers. 410 00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:45,960 Both natural performers. 411 00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:48,960 Both suffered at the hands of mindless racism. 412 00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:50,640 Both Jewish. 413 00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:53,960 I very nearly had my eye poked out last year 414 00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:57,320 at the Middlesbrough Swingers' Association summer fetish ball. 415 00:24:57,320 --> 00:25:01,960 I didn't know you were Jewish. Oh, yes. Before I met Jacqueline, I went out with Deena, 416 00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:03,960 a lovely Jewish girl from the Gorbals. 417 00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:08,000 Her father wouldn't let us get engaged until I converted. 418 00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:10,160 Didn't work out in the end. 419 00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:12,960 But it was only the other week... 420 00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:15,800 I realised I forgot to convert back. 421 00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:19,960 Still, I don't suppose Jacqueline will worry too much. 422 00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:22,960 She's very broadminded. Hm. 423 00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:29,320 (WHISTLING) 424 00:25:29,320 --> 00:25:30,960 Thank you, thank you. 425 00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:33,960 Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to take your seats. 426 00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:36,960 Liam will be coming round wi' your cards and your dabbers 427 00:25:36,960 --> 00:25:39,960 for today's big-prize bingo. 428 00:25:39,960 --> 00:25:41,000 Ugh. God... 429 00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:43,960 Four of you? Don't give me one. 430 00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:45,960 I can't be arsed with that. Give it here. 431 00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:48,960 I used to do six books at a time in the '70s, 432 00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:52,960 still keeping an eye on half a dozen kids and a husband with a wandering eye. 433 00:25:53,800 --> 00:25:55,960 Do you want to do mine, Nana? Yeah, pass it over. 434 00:25:55,960 --> 00:25:59,000 I thought you wanted to win the laptop. I'm not bothered. 435 00:25:59,960 --> 00:26:01,960 I'm off to play on the machines. 436 00:26:02,480 --> 00:26:04,960 Dad, is it OK for me to spend a few euros on the machines? 437 00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:06,960 Course it is. You're on holiday. 438 00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:11,960 What, you want me to give it to you? 439 00:26:12,960 --> 00:26:15,960 What happened to that money you've been saving up all year? 440 00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:18,960 I gave it to my nana. Bloody hell. 441 00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:20,960 (SIGHS) 442 00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:22,960 Michael, here you are. 443 00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:25,000 I want the change. Thanks, Mam. 444 00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:27,960 Unbelievable. He'll get it back. 445 00:26:27,960 --> 00:26:31,960 I'm doing him a favour. He'll have only wasted it on sweets and rubbish. 446 00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:35,960 As opposed to investing it in 200 Benson and Hedges and a new frock? 447 00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:38,320 You can give it him back tonight. 448 00:26:38,320 --> 00:26:40,960 Take it out of that three grand - with interest. 449 00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:42,960 That money is for my future. 450 00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:45,640 Anyway, if you keep your trap shut for five minutes, 451 00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:47,960 I'm about to win him a twintop computer. 452 00:26:47,960 --> 00:26:50,960 LESLEY: OK, ladies and gentlemen. Eyes down. 453 00:26:54,160 --> 00:26:58,960 It won't be like this for the rest of the week, will it? The weather? 454 00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:00,960 I bloody hope not. 455 00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:04,160 We've had over a dozen apartments completely wrecked already. 456 00:27:04,160 --> 00:27:08,000 We're going to have to transfer some of the people over to another hotel. 457 00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:11,960 Really? Yeah. And if they think the food's crap here, 458 00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:13,960 wait till they go up to the Hotel Taurino. 459 00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:16,480 Their chef got taught to cook in prison. 460 00:27:16,480 --> 00:27:19,960 I tell you, I wouldn't exactly like to queue up to taste HIS prawn ring. 461 00:27:19,960 --> 00:27:22,800 Eugh. How's it going with Liam? 462 00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:24,640 You what? Les's son. 463 00:27:24,640 --> 00:27:26,000 Seems a nice kid. 464 00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:28,160 I say nice. He's the kind of lad 465 00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:30,960 we used to send out to the shops for a tin of tartan paint. 466 00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:33,960 I'm not going out with anyone. I'm single. 467 00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:35,960 Single? Nice-looking lass like you. 468 00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:37,960 You should have a boyfriend. 469 00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:41,960 Well, I used to go out with one of the barmen here. Mateo. 470 00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:45,960 I think he's playing it cool. Mateo, playing it cool? 471 00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:49,480 More like he can't remember you. Well, we were kind of serious. 472 00:27:50,320 --> 00:27:53,160 He asked me to marry him. Yeah. You and all the others. 473 00:27:53,960 --> 00:27:58,960 Yes, darling? Can I have an orange juice, please? Course you can, sweetheart. 474 00:28:00,960 --> 00:28:02,960 Excuse me, is this seat taken? 475 00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:04,960 No. 476 00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:09,960 You look really nice. Do I? 477 00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:12,960 Yeah. I like your hair. 478 00:28:12,960 --> 00:28:16,960 It's really nice. Actually...not nice. 479 00:28:16,960 --> 00:28:19,160 Beautiful. Really beautiful. 480 00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:25,960 Would you like a drink, darling? A coke, please, and whatever the lady's having. 481 00:28:25,960 --> 00:28:28,000 The lady? Ooh. 482 00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:30,160 I think she's got a drink. 483 00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:32,960 Oh, yeah. 484 00:28:32,960 --> 00:28:35,960 I'd better go back. Are you going to Neptune's tonight? 485 00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:37,640 Yeah. 486 00:28:37,640 --> 00:28:39,800 Can I meet you there? Yeah. 487 00:28:39,800 --> 00:28:41,960 OK. See you tonight. See you tonight. 488 00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:46,960 Michael. Yeah? 489 00:28:47,640 --> 00:28:49,800 I like your T-shirt. 490 00:28:49,960 --> 00:28:52,960 There you go, love. One coke. 491 00:28:52,960 --> 00:28:54,960 She remembered my name. Aw. 492 00:28:56,960 --> 00:28:58,960 More than they usually do for me. 493 00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:03,960 Two little ducks - the number two. 494 00:29:03,960 --> 00:29:07,960 Er, no, that's one duck, isn't it? Sorry. Just one duck that time. 495 00:29:09,960 --> 00:29:11,960 Maggie's den - number ten. 496 00:29:11,960 --> 00:29:16,160 Maggie's den? When was the last time he called bingo? Will you shut up? 497 00:29:17,960 --> 00:29:20,960 Key of the door - 34. 498 00:29:20,960 --> 00:29:23,320 Key of the door is 21. This is rubbish! 499 00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:26,960 Mick, be quiet. Since when did you turn into a bingo expert? 500 00:29:26,960 --> 00:29:28,960 Shut up! All the elevens... 501 00:29:28,960 --> 00:29:31,320 Sorry, I mean eleven. 502 00:29:31,320 --> 00:29:34,000 Oh, he's taking the piss now. BOTH: Shut up! 503 00:29:34,000 --> 00:29:37,960 Four and nine, the Brighton line - 49. 504 00:29:38,000 --> 00:29:40,960 Ooh! Ooh, I only need seven to win. 505 00:29:40,960 --> 00:29:43,960 What, seven numbers? No, number seven, you idiot. 506 00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:46,960 All right, calm down. Eight and three - eighty... 507 00:29:46,960 --> 00:29:50,960 Oh, hang on a minute, we're only supposed to go up to 50. 508 00:29:50,960 --> 00:29:54,960 So scrap that last one. Pull it, pull it, pull it! 509 00:29:54,960 --> 00:29:58,480 And your next number out is - on its own, number six. 510 00:29:58,480 --> 00:30:00,480 House! House! 511 00:30:00,960 --> 00:30:03,960 I've won! I've won! 512 00:30:03,960 --> 00:30:05,960 I've won. It's me. I've won! 513 00:30:05,960 --> 00:30:08,640 (MIC FEEDBACK) Fuck the lot of you. 514 00:30:08,960 --> 00:30:10,960 Stick it up your arses. 515 00:30:10,960 --> 00:30:15,960 Your grey, flabby, lifeless arses. 516 00:30:15,960 --> 00:30:17,960 Look at you. Look at you. 517 00:30:17,960 --> 00:30:19,960 All sitting there, 518 00:30:19,960 --> 00:30:22,960 desperate to get your clammy paws on the prize. 519 00:30:22,960 --> 00:30:26,800 Aching to get something for nothing. 520 00:30:26,800 --> 00:30:30,960 Your blubbery, sweaty, vomitous faces. 521 00:30:30,960 --> 00:30:33,960 Grey and bloated from an odious diet 522 00:30:33,960 --> 00:30:37,480 of takeaway food and reality TV. 523 00:30:37,480 --> 00:30:39,960 Well, not this time. 524 00:30:39,960 --> 00:30:41,960 I'm the winner. 525 00:30:41,960 --> 00:30:43,960 And you're all losers. 526 00:30:43,960 --> 00:30:46,800 You'll never do anything with your lives. 527 00:30:46,800 --> 00:30:49,960 No pride. No ambition. 528 00:30:49,960 --> 00:30:52,320 I hope you all die of sha- 529 00:30:52,960 --> 00:30:55,960 Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner. 530 00:30:55,960 --> 00:30:59,960 Well done. We'll give you your prize in Neptune's tonight. Hit it, boys. 531 00:30:59,960 --> 00:31:02,960 (MATEO MUTTERS) 532 00:31:02,960 --> 00:31:04,960 533 00:31:04,960 --> 00:31:06,960 534 00:31:12,960 --> 00:31:14,960 535 00:31:14,960 --> 00:31:16,960 536 00:31:16,960 --> 00:31:20,960 537 00:31:21,640 --> 00:31:24,960 538 00:31:25,160 --> 00:31:28,960 a little fun and... 539 00:31:29,320 --> 00:31:32,960 540 00:31:32,960 --> 00:31:34,960 541 00:31:34,960 --> 00:31:36,960 542 00:31:36,960 --> 00:31:39,960 543 00:31:39,960 --> 00:31:43,320 544 00:31:43,960 --> 00:31:46,640 545 00:31:48,960 --> 00:31:50,960 (THUNDERCLAP) 546 00:31:55,960 --> 00:31:58,960 just sit and putter 547 00:31:58,960 --> 00:32:02,960 a ball of butter 548 00:32:02,960 --> 00:32:07,960 rain on my parade? 549 00:32:07,960 --> 00:32:10,800 550 00:32:10,960 --> 00:32:12,960 551 00:32:13,800 --> 00:32:15,960 Another One Bites The Dust? 552 00:32:15,960 --> 00:32:19,960 Not bad. How about this one? Blue Oyster Cult - Don't Fear The Reaper. 553 00:32:20,320 --> 00:32:23,000 I've never heard of it. Good title, though. 554 00:32:23,000 --> 00:32:27,480 Hello. We don't want to disturb you but we want to say we hope you're feeling OK. 555 00:32:27,480 --> 00:32:29,960 Sit down, boys. We don't want to intrude, 556 00:32:29,960 --> 00:32:32,960 you know, with you not having much time left. Nonsense. Sit down. 557 00:32:35,960 --> 00:32:38,960 We were just looking at songs for Donald's funeral. 558 00:32:40,960 --> 00:32:42,960 Ooh, what about this one? 559 00:32:42,960 --> 00:32:45,960 Going Underground by The Jam. 560 00:32:45,960 --> 00:32:49,480 Not bad, but weren't we considering a cremation? 561 00:32:49,480 --> 00:32:52,960 Disco Inferno by Tina Turner. 'Burn, baby, burn.' 562 00:32:52,960 --> 00:32:55,320 Too obvious. Pardon me for breathing. 563 00:32:55,320 --> 00:32:57,960 What would you have at your funeral, Gavin? 564 00:32:57,960 --> 00:32:59,960 I - Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead. 565 00:33:01,960 --> 00:33:04,960 I would have Gone Too Soon by Michael Jackson. Beautiful song. 566 00:33:04,960 --> 00:33:07,960 What if you lived to be 90? Very doubtful. 567 00:33:07,960 --> 00:33:10,640 (SNIGGERS) None taken. 568 00:33:10,640 --> 00:33:13,960 Here we are. I think I've got it. Go on. 569 00:33:13,960 --> 00:33:17,960 Well, you know you said there was no point getting a second opinion 570 00:33:17,960 --> 00:33:22,960 because this form of cancer's never been successfully treated? Yes. 571 00:33:22,960 --> 00:33:24,960 The Verve - 572 00:33:24,960 --> 00:33:26,960 The Drugs Don't Work. 573 00:33:26,960 --> 00:33:28,640 Perfect. 574 00:33:35,960 --> 00:33:38,960 I know the concept of work is still slightly alien to you, 575 00:33:38,960 --> 00:33:41,960 but the idea is when people have empty glasses in front of them 576 00:33:41,960 --> 00:33:44,960 they're finished with them. I was having a power nap. 577 00:33:44,960 --> 00:33:46,960 (MIMICS) I was having a power nap. 578 00:33:46,960 --> 00:33:49,160 Who do you think you are - Geoff Capes? Who's he? 579 00:33:49,160 --> 00:33:54,320 Don't change the subject. If this bar isn't covered in empty glasses in the next 30 seconds 580 00:33:54,320 --> 00:33:56,960 you will be out of a job before you've even started. 581 00:34:01,960 --> 00:34:03,960 Everything all right? Yeah, I'm OK. 582 00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:06,960 Yeah? Doesn't sound like it. 583 00:34:07,960 --> 00:34:10,960 You know Natalie. The lass you've been seeing a bit of, aye. 584 00:34:10,960 --> 00:34:14,960 I think she's losing interest in me. Aw, sorry to hear that. 585 00:34:14,960 --> 00:34:17,640 Still, there's plenty more fish in the sea. 586 00:34:17,960 --> 00:34:19,960 So I'm going to ask her to marry me. 587 00:34:21,000 --> 00:34:23,160 Oh, right. 588 00:34:23,960 --> 00:34:26,960 I don't think that's such a good idea, son. Why not? 589 00:34:26,960 --> 00:34:29,960 She'd make a great daughter-in-law. No, no. I don't mean that. 590 00:34:29,960 --> 00:34:31,960 It's just... Well... 591 00:34:32,960 --> 00:34:36,960 I think you should take things a bit slow, you know. 592 00:34:36,960 --> 00:34:41,320 A holiday romance is one thing, but I think it's a bit soon to be thinking about marriage. 593 00:34:41,320 --> 00:34:44,960 No, no. Fortune flavours the brave. 594 00:34:45,960 --> 00:34:47,960 Does it now? Yeah. 595 00:34:48,960 --> 00:34:50,960 Is that not a famous saying? 596 00:34:50,960 --> 00:34:52,960 Not exactly. Right. 597 00:34:53,000 --> 00:34:55,160 Cos it just came to me in a dream. 598 00:34:55,960 --> 00:34:57,960 Son. 599 00:34:58,320 --> 00:34:59,960 Good luck, son. 600 00:35:01,960 --> 00:35:03,960 There'll be no luck involved, Dad. 601 00:35:07,000 --> 00:35:09,160 Aye, that's what I'm afraid of. 602 00:35:09,160 --> 00:35:11,960 603 00:35:11,960 --> 00:35:13,960 604 00:35:14,960 --> 00:35:16,960 (WHOOPING AND CHEERING) 605 00:35:22,480 --> 00:35:24,640 Shaun Foster Conley 606 00:35:24,640 --> 00:35:27,960 with a Bobby Darin classic - Don't Rain On My Parade. 607 00:35:27,960 --> 00:35:31,960 And don't forget - tomorrow it's '80s night. 608 00:35:31,960 --> 00:35:34,960 We want to see big hair, naff jewellery... 609 00:35:34,960 --> 00:35:36,960 ..and fashion 30 years out of date. 610 00:35:36,960 --> 00:35:39,960 Actually, most of you can come just as you are. 611 00:35:40,960 --> 00:35:43,960 And now, before we move on to the karaoke, 612 00:35:43,960 --> 00:35:47,960 a great '80s track from a very good friend of mine - 613 00:35:47,960 --> 00:35:49,960 Mr Johnny Neptune. 614 00:35:50,960 --> 00:35:52,960 (CHEERING) 615 00:35:52,960 --> 00:35:54,960 616 00:35:54,960 --> 00:35:57,000 Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. 617 00:35:57,000 --> 00:36:00,800 Mam, is it all right if I go and sit at the bar? 618 00:36:00,800 --> 00:36:03,960 619 00:36:03,960 --> 00:36:07,160 620 00:36:07,960 --> 00:36:12,480 taking every breath 621 00:36:12,960 --> 00:36:14,960 Mam. 622 00:36:14,960 --> 00:36:16,960 623 00:36:16,960 --> 00:36:18,960 624 00:36:18,960 --> 00:36:21,960 625 00:36:25,960 --> 00:36:28,960 626 00:36:28,960 --> 00:36:31,000 leave... 627 00:36:31,000 --> 00:36:33,960 Natalie, I need to ask you something. 628 00:36:33,960 --> 00:36:34,960 What? 629 00:36:34,960 --> 00:36:36,480 Outside. 630 00:36:37,000 --> 00:36:39,160 Can't you just ask me here? 631 00:36:39,960 --> 00:36:41,960 Out...side. 632 00:36:42,160 --> 00:36:44,960 If there's going to be a fight, can I watch? 633 00:36:53,480 --> 00:36:56,960 Make sure you get the first punch in, Nat. He'll go down like a sack of shit. 634 00:36:59,960 --> 00:37:04,160 JOHNNY: left here to remind me 635 00:37:04,960 --> 00:37:07,960 636 00:37:07,960 --> 00:37:09,960 637 00:37:11,960 --> 00:37:14,960 638 00:37:16,960 --> 00:37:18,960 What's tickled you? Have a look. 639 00:37:19,640 --> 00:37:23,480 What the frig's up with you, misery guts? You're meant to be on holiday. 640 00:37:23,960 --> 00:37:26,960 It's just a nice song. She's always been the same. 641 00:37:26,960 --> 00:37:30,960 She'd cry if they guessed the house on Through The Keyhole. What's wrong with that? 642 00:37:30,960 --> 00:37:32,960 There's nothing wrong with that. 643 00:37:32,960 --> 00:37:35,960 It's what makes you beautiful and unique. 644 00:37:36,960 --> 00:37:38,960 Makes you my wife. 645 00:37:38,960 --> 00:37:41,960 Who, after all these years, I still love with a passion 646 00:37:41,960 --> 00:37:43,960 and wouldn't change for the world. 647 00:37:45,960 --> 00:37:47,960 Hey, come on. 648 00:37:47,960 --> 00:37:49,960 Hey. 649 00:37:49,960 --> 00:37:51,960 Come on. 650 00:37:51,960 --> 00:37:54,960 Oh, that's all we need on this holiday - 651 00:37:54,960 --> 00:37:57,960 her hitting the menopause like a bull at a gate. 652 00:38:00,960 --> 00:38:01,960 Hey. 653 00:38:01,960 --> 00:38:03,960 654 00:38:03,960 --> 00:38:06,960 655 00:38:06,960 --> 00:38:08,960 . 656 00:38:09,960 --> 00:38:11,960 . 657 00:38:14,000 --> 00:38:16,160 (CHEERING) 658 00:38:18,960 --> 00:38:22,960 Come on now, let's hear it for Mr Johnny Neptune. 659 00:38:22,960 --> 00:38:24,960 (CHEERING) 660 00:38:25,800 --> 00:38:28,320 He's about to hop off on a flight back to the UK. 661 00:38:28,320 --> 00:38:30,480 Let's give him a good send-off. 662 00:38:30,480 --> 00:38:32,640 (WHISTLING) 663 00:38:33,960 --> 00:38:37,960 Liam, will this take long? You can leave a spoon standing up in that risotto as it is. 664 00:38:39,960 --> 00:38:41,960 Oh, sorry, love. 665 00:38:44,960 --> 00:38:48,800 Ooh, just lean... No, lean there for a... 666 00:38:48,800 --> 00:38:50,960 Now try... Ooh. 667 00:38:54,960 --> 00:38:56,320 Natalie... 668 00:38:56,960 --> 00:38:59,960 Will you marry me? What? 669 00:39:01,960 --> 00:39:03,960 Will you marry me? No. 670 00:39:05,960 --> 00:39:07,960 Was that it? 671 00:39:10,960 --> 00:39:12,960 Liam! Liam. 672 00:39:14,960 --> 00:39:17,960 Are you OK? Yeah, I'm fine. 673 00:39:18,960 --> 00:39:20,960 You know, I missed you. 674 00:39:21,960 --> 00:39:24,960 You've hardly spoke to me since I've got here. I tried to give you space 675 00:39:24,960 --> 00:39:27,000 but...it's hard for me. 676 00:39:27,000 --> 00:39:30,960 Space? We saw each other every day for two weeks. 677 00:39:30,960 --> 00:39:33,960 You told me you loved me. We spoke about marriage. 678 00:39:33,960 --> 00:39:35,960 Then I went home and I never heard from you again. 679 00:39:35,960 --> 00:39:37,960 Why didn't you call me? 680 00:39:37,960 --> 00:39:41,000 I lost my phone. I tried to remember your mobile 681 00:39:41,000 --> 00:39:43,800 but...I am no good with numbers. 682 00:39:44,480 --> 00:39:47,160 You had my email address, my home address. 683 00:39:47,160 --> 00:39:48,960 I am even worse with words. 684 00:39:48,960 --> 00:39:52,480 I assumed you changed your number to get rid of me. 685 00:39:52,960 --> 00:39:56,960 Get rid of you? Natalie, you were the best thing that ever happened to me. 686 00:39:57,960 --> 00:39:59,960 I missed you so much. 687 00:40:00,960 --> 00:40:02,960 If you can find it in your heart to forgive me... 688 00:40:03,960 --> 00:40:05,960 ..you know where I am. 689 00:40:05,960 --> 00:40:08,960 (SPEAKS SPANISH) 690 00:40:21,960 --> 00:40:23,960 691 00:40:25,960 --> 00:40:29,960 Do you want a drink, love? Erm...no, I'm all right, thanks. 692 00:40:30,960 --> 00:40:33,960 You know that girl with the blonde hair with the red bits in? 693 00:40:33,960 --> 00:40:36,960 I don't think so. She's my age. 694 00:40:36,960 --> 00:40:40,640 I was sat with her at the bar in reception this afternoon. 695 00:40:40,640 --> 00:40:42,800 Oh, yeah, I know the one. 696 00:40:42,800 --> 00:40:45,960 Has she been in here tonight? No. She won't be in here again. 697 00:40:46,320 --> 00:40:48,960 They're one of the families that were flooded. 698 00:40:48,960 --> 00:40:50,960 They've been put in another hotel. 699 00:40:51,960 --> 00:40:53,960 Oh, right. 700 00:40:53,960 --> 00:40:55,960 Where's the other hotel? 701 00:40:55,960 --> 00:40:58,000 It's right over the other side of Benidorm. 702 00:40:59,960 --> 00:41:01,960 You all right? 703 00:41:01,960 --> 00:41:04,960 Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine, thanks. 704 00:41:24,960 --> 00:41:27,960 I had a slice of your risotto. I hope you don't mind. 705 00:41:28,960 --> 00:41:30,960 So what did he want? 706 00:41:31,000 --> 00:41:33,960 Liam? Oh, he asked me to marry him. 707 00:41:43,960 --> 00:41:46,960 You can't say we haven't had a laugh on this holiday. 708 00:41:46,960 --> 00:41:48,960 (SNIGGERS) 709 00:41:50,960 --> 00:41:52,960 Are you all right? 710 00:41:54,160 --> 00:41:56,320 I think I'm in love. 711 00:41:56,320 --> 00:41:57,960 What? 712 00:41:57,960 --> 00:41:59,960 (APPLAUSE) Right. 713 00:42:00,960 --> 00:42:03,960 Next karaoke cab off the rank - it's Donald... 714 00:42:04,960 --> 00:42:09,480 ..with a cheery little number called The Drugs Don't Work. 715 00:42:09,480 --> 00:42:11,640 (CHEERING) 716 00:42:14,960 --> 00:42:16,960 717 00:42:17,640 --> 00:42:19,960 Hey, where have you been? I had a date. 718 00:42:19,960 --> 00:42:22,960 You what? What kind of date? 719 00:42:22,960 --> 00:42:26,480 A date with a girl. But she didn't turn up. 720 00:42:26,480 --> 00:42:28,480 Bloody hell, you kept that one quiet. 721 00:42:28,960 --> 00:42:31,000 I really thought she was the one. 722 00:42:31,000 --> 00:42:33,960 She was perfect. Don't worry, son. 723 00:42:33,960 --> 00:42:36,160 You'll know when the right one comes along. 724 00:42:37,800 --> 00:42:38,960 Won't he, Jan? 725 00:42:38,960 --> 00:42:40,960 (MOUTHS) 726 00:42:41,960 --> 00:42:44,960 You what? I said he'll know when the right one comes along. 727 00:42:45,960 --> 00:42:47,960 Absolutely. 728 00:42:48,960 --> 00:42:51,960 729 00:42:52,960 --> 00:42:55,800 730 00:42:55,800 --> 00:42:57,960 731 00:42:58,960 --> 00:43:02,960 I could have sworn you said the bingo prize was a laptop. 732 00:43:02,960 --> 00:43:04,960 No no. 733 00:43:05,960 --> 00:43:07,960 Lap dog. 734 00:43:08,960 --> 00:43:11,960 Well, what are we supposed to do with that? 735 00:43:11,960 --> 00:43:13,960 We're going home in two days. 736 00:43:13,960 --> 00:43:15,960 Aye, well, it's what you've won. 737 00:43:15,960 --> 00:43:20,000 If you don't want it, I'll just take it back. Sorry about the confusion. 738 00:43:20,000 --> 00:43:22,960 Hang on. My daughter's coming back. 739 00:43:22,960 --> 00:43:24,960 She's the one that won the bingo. 740 00:43:24,960 --> 00:43:28,960 741 00:43:28,960 --> 00:43:35,000 Pauline, this young lady says you've won a dog in the bingo. 742 00:43:35,000 --> 00:43:38,960 A lap dog. Not a laptop. 743 00:43:45,960 --> 00:43:47,960 Erm, your mam was just explaining 744 00:43:47,960 --> 00:43:50,960 how it might be a bit tricky taking the dog home. 745 00:43:51,960 --> 00:43:55,000 Erm...so if you just pass him back, we'll just leave it at that. 746 00:43:56,960 --> 00:43:59,960 Er...I'm not sure about the policy of dogs here, either. 747 00:44:00,960 --> 00:44:04,160 I suppose we just didn't really think it through, like, you know. 748 00:44:04,160 --> 00:44:05,960 (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) 749 00:44:05,960 --> 00:44:08,960 So why don't I just take the dog back and - 750 00:44:08,960 --> 00:44:11,960 Get your hands off my dog. 751 00:44:14,960 --> 00:44:16,960 (CLEARS THROAT) Right. 752 00:44:21,960 --> 00:44:23,960 I love you. 753 00:44:24,960 --> 00:44:27,960 (GROWLS SOFTLY) Do you love me? 754 00:44:27,960 --> 00:44:28,960 Say yes. 755 00:44:31,960 --> 00:44:33,960 Where's Charlie? 756 00:44:33,960 --> 00:44:35,960 Is, sorry? 757 00:44:35,960 --> 00:44:38,960 Where's my dog? You said you'd be two minutes. 758 00:44:38,960 --> 00:44:40,960 Erm... 759 00:44:40,960 --> 00:44:44,160 I think we might have a...slight problem. 760 00:44:44,160 --> 00:44:47,800 761 00:44:47,800 --> 00:44:49,960 762 00:44:49,960 --> 00:44:54,480 again... 763 00:44:54,480 --> 00:44:56,960 Just give me the bloody dog back! 764 00:44:56,960 --> 00:45:00,960 She's not your dog. She's my dog. She's called Liza. 765 00:45:00,960 --> 00:45:03,320 What the flip's she on - Give me the dog! 766 00:45:03,320 --> 00:45:06,640 Give her the dog back. We can't take it on the plane anyway. 767 00:45:06,640 --> 00:45:09,960 There's been a mistake. Pass the dog to me. What are you doing? 768 00:45:09,960 --> 00:45:13,640 Pass the dog to me. You get off my dog! Let go of my dog! 769 00:45:13,640 --> 00:45:15,960 (THUD) (DOG YELPS) 770 00:45:16,960 --> 00:45:20,960 I'm better off dead... 771 00:45:21,320 --> 00:45:23,480 Is it too late to get the laptop? 772 00:45:24,960 --> 00:45:26,480 (SCREAMS) 773 00:45:50,960 --> 00:45:52,960 itfc subtitles 774 00:45:56,960 --> 00:45:58,960 .